In-Laws

Well today I am off to my in-laws. I have two sets of them. Tim's mom and step-dad, and his dad and stepmom. Tim jokes because when his parents were married they had two girls and Tim. When his dad re-married he got two sisters and when his mom re-married he got a dog!!! So Timmy's the only boy!!! Although now we have the boyfriends and husbands of the sisters, so it's getting better!!! I can't believe it's already time for gift exchanging. It seems impossible. I was looking forward to this Christmas this year because last year was so horrible. Now I am about Christmased out. Not the part of Jesus's birth of course. That can never stop amazing me. I think the movie the Passion made me realize the sacrifice that others gave up too, like Mary, I can't imagine watching my son who came from a creative miracle, the son I watched learn how to walk and talk and become a man, be put to death. Even if I knew beyond a doubt he was Lord and there was purpose to it. I was thinking of that yesterday when little Aidan was toddling toward me. I was thinking of Jesus as a baby.
This end of the year time is a bit hard for me. I have to confess. I really thought this would be the year. I thought for sure once we saw fertility docs and had all the testing done that they would find the problem and fix it. I thought it would be pretty cut and dried. But I guess it's just not that simple. Quite a few people told me they really thought this was the year, that they felt God showed them that, including my dad. I think the thing that is hardest for me right now is thinking that the longer it takes for us to have children, the longer it is going to be for me to reach those all important milestones, like first words and first teeth, first smile, hearing the laughing of a baby when you tickle them, watching them learn how to walk and talk. Then there is my husband. My heart aches for him. Everyone sees how this is affecting me, but a lot of people don't realize that Tim is just as torn as I am. He's cried with me, he cried when I went in to have a procedure done, saying he didn't want me to have to go thru this. His face lights up when talking about our future children, and then when it doesn't happen that light goes out of him a little. I watch him with my nieces and nephews and I see the longing in his heart. That makes it tougher, to know that the pain is reaching him as well. Most husbands in this posistion want children just as much as their spouse but a lot of people focus on the pain of the woman. I know that this will happen, I guess I am just upset it didn't happen this year, that yet another year has gone by with nothing. I am not trying to be so depressing here. I am excited for Christmas and seeing family and spending time with them. I am thrilled at having a husband whom I love and who loves me by my side. I am exstatic that my Saviour chose me to enter His kingdom. But I am still a mom with no child, and despite how much faith I have and the faith of others around me, it really hurts. But as I end, I want you to all know, I am not depressed, I will not let things bring me down, I will enjoy this Christmas as I am surely hoping you all will as well. And if I don't get to get on here again before Christmas, may you have a happy and blessed one!!!!