Get Away

I am afraid if I don't get away I am going to go crazy. I am not handling things all that well lately. I am just plain tired of people's demands on me. People demand things and when you protest they throw a fit. Well I am sorry I can't do everything that everyone wants all the time. It's just not humanly possible. Tim and I have been trying to go to Syracuse for the last 2 weekends and we planned for this weekend and something church-related came up and then the weekend after this one I was just told I have to speak at a women's luncheon. I am not complaining ab0ut speaking, as anyone knows me I love to talk. I just need to get out of here. The every day, the demands, the people not appreciating what I do for them. I could slit my wrists and give them my blood and still there would be a reason as to why I am wrong. I just don't know anymore what to do. I can't please everyone, only God. Sometimes I want to stay in my bed, curled up in a ball, wrapped up like a coccoon that will never open. Stop the world, I want to get off........I am really not trying to be negative, it's very hard though when there is a lot of negativity around you.....you have to fight to not let it consume you. But it's also hard not to be depressed when it feels like your going nowhere. I work, come home, eat, watch a little tv, read my Bible, and go to sleep. And our weekends seem to be dictated to us every weekend. We can't even have husband/wife time or getaways because something, whether it be family or church or friends, is always dictating our weekends to us. I just need to get away or I think I will be affected permenantly from this garbage all around me, and that' not how I want to live my life. I dont' want to be one of those people who are negative all the time, and blaming others for everything wrong in their lives. I want to be who God wants me to be. I know the Bible says to walk in the fullness of Joy....but my cup is constantly giving out to others and rarely being filled by them. I have problems, I have issues, I have stresses, do you see any of the people who want me to bend over backwards for them trying to comfort me when I need it????? Oh well. God is all I need. He is all I have, and that' s more than enough to get through, so the Joy of the Lord will be my strength. Once I get it off my chest I feel better, so I am already improving for the day. How Great is Our God..............

Romance....ERRRR NOT

So last night after prayer Rjay and Heather came over to watch a movie which was fun. Feeling adventurous, even though it was midnight, Tim and I decided to go ice skating at our local park. So we bundle up with extra layers of clothing, and drive up there, and see a few cars leaving. One van stayed and there were a few people in the little ice shanty they built for people to stay warm. Anyhoo....I told Tim I thought they were flooding the ice because there was a huge hose and I could hear it running, and Tim was like, "No the water is way up there," pointing to the hill above the make-shift rink. I strongly disagreed and told him they were flooding it, and after a little argument, grudgingly began to put my skates on, which is when a man came out and told us we couldn't skate tonight. And Tim asked why with a slight attitude. And the man told him, what else...."we're flooding the rink...." So I was right, and romance for the evening was kaput. The problem is, all the local kids are on the ice from early afternoon until wee hours of the morning, so you can never get up there to have a nice skate by yourselves. I personally think there should be certain hours that they can play hockey or whatever, but I live in Hick central, most of them just don't care. There's an attitude that they own the place, when in reality it is a public park and it's really not fair that us tax-payers can't go and have a skate.....ah well nuff complaining.
So today I am going to work on my book and then tonight we are going to my parents with J.J. and Heather for a little Phaze 10......sorry Heather couldn't resist the J.J. thing!!!! Have a great weekend all!!!

Edit: So I went to work on my book only to find that my disk has errors and won't work. I cannot access my book even if I tried, which my husband and I did, over and over and over again. It is saying the disk is not formatted, and if I want to format it, it will erase all data on it anyways. I tried everything, I don't know why or how it is not working, neither does Tim and he is a computer knowlegdable person. So therefore, all those MONTHS of hard work are DOWN THE DRAIN!!!! And needless to say I am frustrated and upset and lesson learned, never completely depend on technology. I would have saved it to my computer, but I had had to use Tim's because I had a crash a while back and I had no MS Word on my computer. I should have saved it on his but I didn't want him to read it until I was done. Lesson learned, Word now installed on my computer, and Kathy starting her book, all over again, from scratch, with a heavy heart at all those creative words I lost......something doesn't want me to do this book....every time I try something happens or comes up....I know God is commanding me to write it, therefore I will fight against this attack and win. Nothing is going to stop me from doing it...not even losing it entirely. If I have to start from scratch, God is with me, so who can be against me.....still agitated however....SIGH.......

Fill 'Er Up

Well I am feeling much better. The Lord always fills me in my time of need. I was reading my One-A-Day Bible....the Bible in a year...I like to call it my vitamin Bible.....anyways I was reading it and this was the Psalm for the day and I found it very fitting!!! I am encouraged and filled with His loving Spirit yet again. When I can't stand on my own strength He picks me up...

Psalm 40
I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and mire.
He set my feet on solid ground,
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.

Oh the joys of those who trust in the Lord,
who have no confidence in the proud,
or those who worship idols.
O Lord my God,
you have performed many wonders for us.
Your plans for us are too numerous to list.
You have no equal.
If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds,
I would never come to the end of them.

You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings.
Now that you have made me listen,
I finally understand- you don't require burnt offerings or sin offerings.
Then I said, "Look, I have come.
As it is written about me in the Scriptures:
I take joy in doing your will , my God,
for your instructions are written on my heart."

I have told all your people about your justice.
I have not been afraid to speak out,
as you, O Lord, well know.
I have not kept the good news of your justice hidden in my heart;
I have talked about your faithfullness and saving power.
I have told everyone in the great assembly of your unfailing love and faithfullness.

Lord, don't hold back your tender mercies from me.
Let your unfailing love and faithfullness always protect me.
For troubles surround me, too many to count!
My sins pile up so high I can't see my way out.
They outnumber the hairs on my head.
I have lost all courage.

Please, Lord, rescue me!
Come quickly, Lord, and help me.
May those who try to destroy me be humiliated and put to shame.
May those who delight in my trouble be turned back in disgrace.
Let them be horrified by their shame,
for they said, "Aha! We've got him now!"

But may all who search for you be filled with joy and gladness in you.
May those who love your salvation repeatedly shout,
"The Lord is great!"
As for me, since I am poor and needy,
let the Lord keep me in his thoughts.
You are my helper and my Savior.
Oh my God, do not delay.

Down

I am feeling down lately. I am having one of those low-faith moments. But just like an alcholic I guess the first step is admitting you have a problem, so I am admitting it. I am not perfect, I can't handle the pain and stress all the time with a smile and high-energy faith. To me, to fake it is far worse than actually not having faith. But I know this too shall pass...eventually. I think the issue I have the most is that I might have to grieve the loss of never having children of my own. Tim and I have made a decision, that if these procedures that I am going to have don't work, then we are definitely going to adopt. And I will love that child with all my heart. But still the thought of never being able to have the joy of carrying a baby, even the experience of morning sickness or having to pee a lot. I would trade the heartache for those things right now. I really would. Never being able to experience that, or never seeing what the combination of Tim and I would look like in a child, or what traits he or she would have of us, the thought of never experiencing that is too much for me right now. People keep telling me that it will happen, and it's okay, etc. And I know they mean well. I know this. But really unless they are God I don't think they can predict the future. And that's not a slam on anyone. I love my friends and family dearly. I love that they try their best. But like I said, I am just having a low-faith moment. I just can't handle hearing it anymore, it's too much right now. My heart is broken. The pain I am in is overwhelming. I try to hide it and I just can't. The more months I face, the worse I feel. I don't want to go on, "It will happen," Because if it doesn't, I am going to have to accept that fact and grieve my loss. I have had many prophetic words about children, but none of them have actually said biological children. So it's not as if I am shunning the prophets words. I believe I will have children, I just don't know if it will be naturally or not. Even if we do end up adopting, I will still have to grieve the loss of not having my own. And that's something I am facing right now.
Last night I read the story of the woman in the crowd. The Bible says she thought to herself, "If I can just touch His garment, I will be made well." Well that instantly brought some tears to my eyes. If I can just touch His garment I will be made well. Whether it's physically or mentally or emotionally, I know that if I can just touch His garment, I will be better through all this. There are women who suffered this very thing far longer than I. Some years and years. My dilemma is how long? How long should I give it, before I accept it. Maybe it will happen soon. I am certainly not ready to throw in the towel yet. But our insurance only covers certain procedures and once they are done, and if things don't turn out, I think that's going to have to be the time. However until then I will muster the strength and courage and faith. The Bible says that if we have faith of a mustard seed....well I think I still have at least that much!! Maybe I have more than I know.
Well sorry this entry is such a downer....I am sure it's not uplifting much of your day....sorry.......

Power Outage

Yeah so I haven't written cuz basically I haven't been able to. Our power was out Friday at 9Am until Saturday evening. IT WAS COLD!!! Thankfully God provided me with parents who happen to live next door, so I sat in their warm house, they have wood heat, the blower just doesn't work when the electricity is off so they can't run it too hot, but it was much warmer there!!! We spent the night playing dominoes until 2am when Tim and I made our way over here and slept on our living room floor with about sixty blankets, a dog, and a cat who wouldn't get under the blankets to stay warm, therefore keeping me up all night worrying about him freezing to death!!! Tim went out and bought a kerosene heater Friday. I guess it's good to have anyways for future use to. It didn't heat very much but it was better than nothing!! So needless to say, since my book is on my computer and the computer couldn't work, I could not work on my book like I had intended. I even got up early Friday just for the purpose of working on my book and nature had to prevent it. I would have worked on it by hand, but I can't remember the last sentence I wrote so I wasn't sure where to go with it. I can't complain about how cold it was, cuz my good friends Heather and RJay had it worse, their house was like 38 degrees. And it still won't heat right. They have nice parents to stay with too though, so I know they are grateful for that!! I didn't miss the tv. I could've cared less if I had that. I did miss my memory foam mattress and pillows and electric blanket however. The pioneers would've been laughing at us. "Those moderns, look at them, can't handle when that fancy lectricity goes out!!" Of course they all had fireplaces in their homes, and they all knew how to kill wild game....me....not so much!! Needless to say I am happy the lights are on and I have my Doritos. Life is good. Tommorow my sis does not have to work so I get the day off, and I fully intend on working on my book, no ifs ands or buts about it!!! If I am going to get published I need to get cracking!!! So while you all do your Monday routines I will be sipping Vienna Cafe and working on some characters!!! Hope y'all have a great day!!!
P.S. I have added some new friends to my friends list, go check them out!!!

Love In the Time of Cholera

Okay...if you haven't ever watched the movie Serendipity you won't get it. But that's the name of the book in the movie. If you have seen it you will no what I am talking about, otherwise it's too long to explain and frankly I am tired. So anyways yesterday was obviously Valentine's Day, which I am not too fond of. I don't think it is different from any other day. I like the expression of love idea, but feel that that is something that should be done year round, not just on one day....now don't get me wrong, I still participate, I am not like anti-Valentine's Day or anything.
On that note, last night my husband forced me to watch a movie, which he wasn't going to tell me what it was. Turned out to be, of course, Serendipity, which is a movie I love. Right at the end he ran upstairs mysteriously and came down with a hidden package. Right at the end of the movie he gave it to me and I opened it and it was a copy of "Love In the Time of Cholera." Just like in the movie. I opened the cover and there was a five dollar bill in it, with Tim's name and phone number, and my name was written on the first page of the book with my phone number. Now any of you who haven't seen the movie, I guess you'll have to go watch it now to see what this gesture means. Anyways he said it was making the point we were meant to be together. It was sweet and original. Although the card had Tim's usual sarcastic joke manner to it. He wanted to go ice skating after that, just me and him, but some stuff came up and we couldn't. Maybe I will try to go tonight....it doesn't have to be V-Day for romance!!! He was disappointed I didn't go skating with him, I gotta try to make it up. So other than that, pretty uneventful, although we had a nice dinner together of stuffed shells and salad. On TV trays....oh the romance. We work too late in the day to go have dinner somewhere. But it was a nice cozy evening at home.
On another note, yesterday was my Dad's 52nd birthday. I got him a card that has a black and white picture on the front of 4 gentlemen saying, "Your old, your old, your old, your old...." with musical notes around it, like they are singing it. On the inside it said, "On that note, Happy Birthday." I wrote in the card..."You always told us to tell the truth!!" I thought it was funny, he laughed too.
Tommorow I have to clean my house....dread, dread, dread. I actually did get two chapters of my book done last week. I wonder how far I would be if I had more time?? HMMMMM......oh well, a little at a time until I am drastically rich and famous for my award-winning novel....hee, hee, hee. Have a great day!!!

Stuff

So this weekend I got to go get some "stuff," of Grandpa J's. We ended up with two very nice armchairs that are still crisp and new, as well as a couch with a sleeper and a loveseat. My furniture is actually in nicer shape than the couch and love seat we brought back, but we might sell ours and keep Grandpas. The reason being, it has a sleeper in it. We need a sleeper so we can have guests. We were going to get one with our taxes, a whole new living room set, but Uncle Sam apparently thought I didn't need any money back because he robbed us of almost $800. Apparently what I do is considered self-employment, and taxable income, which the state assured both Tracey and I over and over that I wouldn't have to pay taxes on it, so we never saved money aside for it. So I had to pay for all these months that I have babysat and they took no taxes out of my income. NOT COOL!!! I am a little depressed because I know we are blessed and I know God never lets us go without, but I was really looking forward to making my house nicer. Oh well. I am appreciative of the furniture from Grandpa. Like I said the arm chairs are like new and they are very expensive ones. They are going in my dining room which has an original tin ceiling underneath the ugly drop ceiling the previous owners put up. I have to fully restore that tin ceiling, it's like my dream, it's from when the house was built in the early 1900's!!!! We are in the process of cleaning the couch and loveseat to see what we want to do with them. On another note....Tim's Grandpa Owens turned 91 Saturday. NINETY-ONE!!! WOW!!!! I asked him what his favorite year out of all those years was, and you know what he told me??? The year he was married. How beautiful and wonderful is that!!! His wife is no longer alive, I never got to meet her. He also told me that the "flappers," from the 1920's were, "Hot to Trot," and that "That was a great time!" I never laughed so hard. He's still got it!!! To know someone that lived in that era just astounds me. I want to go down there again and take notes on his life to know what it was like.
I am excited about my new chairs, they are a real blessing. I think God wanted me to feel better about the whole tax thing. He never lets me down. He always lifts me up when I am feeling low. I never have to worry for if God is for me, who, including Uncle Sam, can be against me!!! I just have to have a positive attitude and know that God is on my side and will never fail me!!! I love my Lord!!!!

God

I don't know why, because I should learn to expect it, but whenever God works, I am amazed. To be honest, I have had a REALLY hard time lately. I mean REALLY. In all the times we have been disappointed, lately has just been unbearably hard. So hard that I just felt like giving up. I had a breakdown again last week, which most people don't know about cuz I am quite good at hiding it, only my mom and Tracey and my husband knew. Just another month of nothing was sooooo excrutiatingly painful. So this week I had 3 cold sores on my lips, and I had to go to the Docs yesterday because I knew I had a viral infection at that point, and the doctor called another doc in to look at my mouth and he told me what medication he was going to be putting me on, etc....
Anyways he asks...."Are you under a lot of stress?" And I replied, "Gee I don't know, four years of infertility, being a youth leader, and up until recently, watching 4 kids 50 plus hours a week!!!" I was just kidding but he was like, "Can I ask you a personal question, not that it's any of my business but why not adopt?"
Well how to answer that one??? He went on to tell me about him and his wife and how long they tried and that they finally adopted, but he's older and he wished he hadn't waited.....I know he wasn't saved so he doesn't understand that I am trusting the healing power of God to heal me, but I also know that God was using him too. Because I have really not had anyone to relate to with this, at least anyone that has had years of the same like me. And he was telling me to keep my chin up and not get discouraged....he was just really trying to encourage me. And I know that was God's way of telling me that He is still there, He is still in control, and He still hears my cries. I know He was using that doctor to let me know He will never forget about me. I have discussed adoption with Tim, he's not quite there yet, I know it will have to be God. But I am still having faith for a biological child. God is in the miracle-making business!!!
Well today is my Friday!!! I can't wait to work on my book tommorow...and this time I swear I will not let anything rob me of getting to it!!! I might have to clean up a bit first, it's hard to be creative with a mess around you!!! Have a blessed day!!!

Snowwyyy!!!

Well today is a snowy day. There was a white-out on the way into Watertown this morning. Thankfully school wasn't cancelled, hee, hee, hee!!!! It was too late, buses were out and everything. Well I didn't do too much this weekend. All those hours I planned on working on my book??? Well it was just one thing after another that prevented me from doing so. So I was disappointed. I had Aidan overnight Friday night, which, we cancelled youth group because there would have only been three people there. So Saturday we had a ladies luncheon at church, and I realized the youth group was supposed to clean the church, so Mom and I stayed after and did the whole thing by ourselves. Oh well, that' s what being a servant in the house of the Lord means....no complaints here!!!
Tim and I taped Aidan dancing Friday. We turned on one of our digital music stations on the tv. He was so hysterical. He looked like he was doing a hula dance. Putting his little hands up and swaying back and forth. It was so funny. And then when I watched it later and saw myself on it, I realized it was time to go back on South Beach Diet. I don't think I am fat, but I don't want to get there either. I know that my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit and I need to take care of it. I have been highly convicted of that lately. I don't believe God has issue with body size. I believe he has issue when we don't take care of ourselves the way we should. I highly need to eat a lot more greens and a lot less chocolate!!! The working out is paying off though, I lost 3 lbs. So I am getting somewhere.
My father was preaching Sunday on self-pity, and letting your circumstances control your life. That is something that's absolutely ringing true with me. Just within the small circle of sheep we tend I see a trend. I have learned, and am still learning to rise above my circumstances, because I know that that means I am impacting for the Lord. If I wasn't I wouldn't be getting attacked. Sometimes it's God testing too. I just know that if I am ticking off Satan, then I am doing my job. So even though things hurt, and mountains come, I know I must climb them and overcome, because to sit down and admit defeat is not an option...at least not in my book. Well I have little ones to deal with.....congratulations MaryAnn on your team winning!!! I wasn't going to root for them until I found out Pastor Dudley called Dad mournfully when the Yanks were losing to say he was sorry they were losing...so I had to cheer for his team!!! Everyone have a blessed day!!!

My REAL Friday

So today is the real Friday, and I actually got up earlier. Still slept in, but only until 9am. I wanted to get up early enough to work on my book. Now that I have some tips from a real author I am not so apprehensive. Every time I have tried to start I have gotten a few chapters done and then I got discouraged because it wasn't in proper manuscript form, so I would stop. I was afraid of typing it all over again. Now that I semi-know what I am doing I am not so afraid. Plus I know this is my calling. I have known it since I was a kid. And I have had words spoken over me that have confirmed it, more than once. So I am excited/nervous/overwhelmed. I know exactly where I am going with this book, I just need to organize it and actually write it. I really want to write something for Christian teens that will affect them. Not that sugar-coated, every Christian teen is perfect and only their friends have problems, stuff. I am not bashing that, it's just I want something more, something with meat to it, that can really show teens God's redemptive power and the grace and mercy He gives us so freely.......
Well anyways, today is rainy and dreary. Yesterday was a beautiful sun-filled day. It felt so good to see the sun. I knew it was just a tease...taunting us....like, "Ha ha, I am only out for today, now you get 4 more months of winter while I disappear!!!" LOL!!! I can just hear that sun teasing us!!! But rainy days like this are actually perfect for writing because I am not wishing I was outside in the sun. Yesterday I took full advantage, me and my gal Roxy, (my doggy!!) went for a walk, and she loved it just as much as I did!!! Poor girl, she needs to get out, I feel bad I can never take her. With these two extra days off now it is really going to help me out a lot. Thank you so much Lord for helping me out like that!!! Well I must go and work out...no I did not do it yesterday like I was supposed to....hee, hee, hee.....but I did clean!!!! Have a blessed day!!!

My Friday

Well today is my Friday, and tommorow is my Friday too!!! YIPPPPEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! My mother was approved for her daycare provision yesterday at the eleventh hour and here I am, at home, in my pj's, sleeping in until 11am......which I never usually do. Oh life is wonderful!!! Today I must whip my house in order, get the mail, probably by walking Roxy up with me, the both of us need the excersize, and do my workout. Then tommorow I will have all day to work on my book. Speaking of which I was very excited to find a return email from one of my new favorite Christian authors today. I had written an email to Lorena McCourtney, who writes the Ivy Malone Mysteries. Ivy Malone is a LOL, (Little Old Lady,) who solves mysteries. They are great books, humorous and suspenseful. I would highly recommend them. You can get them on any good Christian book website, like crossings.com or cbd. com.
Anyways, I wrote her because she actually has her email address right on her website. How many authors do you know who give an easy way for their fans to write to them!!! So I told her how much I appreciated her books and that they were very insiring and I asked her for advice on getting published and manuscripting. She wrote me back like a ten-paragraph email!! It was really long. And she thanked me for my comments and said the perks of being a writer was hearing that the readers enjoy your work. And then she gave me a website to check out and the title of a book to check out for writing. And then she gave me advice on properly manuscripting!!! I am so excited that this busy author took time out of her schedule to give little old me advice. A lot of them don't or can't do that. So I am feeling blessed today.
Well I guess I need to get cracking since I got up so late today. The day is already half over!!! I hope you all have a blessed day!!!

Bugs

So I am not sure if I today is going to be my "Friday," or what, due to some paperwork, "Bugs," my mother has had with her registering to do the daycare. I might have to have this week be a whole week. We will see. Speaking of bugs I gave Tristan a pepto-bismal pill yesterday and all was fine. Aidan was fine. Maybe it was something they both ate who knows.
I am so tired of seeing people murdering their children, in the news. It makes me sickened. It seems to be an every day common occurence these days. Tim and I were saying we should put an ad in the New York Times saying, "If your going to kill your kid, why not save yourself the trouble, and put them up for adoption." We are just both so horrified that people can actually do this kind of thing. How can you look into a child's face????? I will never fathom it.
On to better less depressing things...I think the tooth might be healing, it seems less sore today so I am waiting on it. I don't want to take antibiotics if I don't have to because I have already been on them like 20 times in a six-month period. My body is going to start becoming ammuned!!! So if MaryAnn happens to be reading, I am extremely jealous of her pix of Australia....that is my new dream vacation now thanks to her. It would be so nice to get a vacation from the stress and worry and just relax. I can see myself laying on a nice beach with crystal waters.....get a hint from that if Your reading TRACEY!!!!!!
We have church tonight which is good because I am feeling disconnected from everyone. I missed church Sunday so I definitely need to go. My nieces and nephews are so beautiful. They light up my day. They make me laugh with their child-like speak and inquiries. Aidan wants me right now so I guess I will shovel off. Not much exciting in this here life!!!!