Lacking

Today I am going to be totally honest, I feel very defeated. There are so many things going on, things that I can't speak about because of my posistion in the church and because I can't share personal things with church members because of my parents being the pastors and that has been known to backfire in the past. So who do you talk to when you have no one you can share with? Obviously there is the Lord. I never discredit that. But there is the human in me that wants a human to share with. Someone who can tell me it's all going to be okay, even though my heart knows it isn't. Today I woke up sick, couldn't even lift my head off the pillow. I had to have my husband call in work and then go babysit for me. I thank God for him because I wouldn't have made it today, no way. And the sickness isn't just it. Every thing I have fought against for weeks is shambling around me. All the things I have held secret and have waged war against are coming against me. I know that when the enemy comes in like a flood the battle belongs to the Lord. And I believe His word and stand on it. But right now I am too weak to fight anymore, I am bruised, battered, and broken, and I don't know if I can carry on. My heart is just shattered, and my body is affected by the constant stress of all the things in my life. I don't think I have any more fight left in me. I have pasted on the "christian," smile. I have walked around pretending everything is great when it isn't. I have hid the secrets well and not many have knowledge of them. They think Kathy has the perfect life and she's invincible. I have spoke to my circumstances and prayed and felt I have overcome them. My head still knows that God is in control no matter what, and that He will never let me fall and He will always fight for me. But my heart is broken, and I feel that I have nothing left in me. Everything has just shut down. Oh I know that when I go to read my Bible today that my Lord will give me encouragement and lift me up and give me what I need to go on. Like I said, my head knows the truth. But some of these circumstances are not going to change any time soon. I know this for a fact. Some things just can't be fixed no matter how hard you try. I do put everything in God's hands. I know He is the author and finisher of my faith. I know that when I am weak He is strong. I am clinging to that today, knowing in my head that it's going to work out somehow. But my heart just isn't strong today. And I can't do anything to fix it. Please pray.